just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
