he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
