I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I deserve this hangover.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
