he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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