Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
