that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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