me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
