Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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