Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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