life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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