Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
