dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Everclear isn't food dammit
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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