If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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