The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
