I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
