Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
