So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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