im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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