I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The police scanner is talking about you again....
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
