she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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