Please, let me fuck your mom
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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