I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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