Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
