life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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