Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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