this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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