when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
