Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
