my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The chlamydia really affected his face.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
