Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
