Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
