Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
well you can't waste a boner
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
