Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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