she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Damn victory sex feels great
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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