Barsexuality is the new black.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
