i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I forget how to act sober
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
