I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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