guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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