By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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