My Higher Power is John Stamos
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
