u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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