oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
