Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
