I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize