dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
