I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
