atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
