sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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