Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
