best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
