it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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