I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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